I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
