If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
