I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
