Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
