I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
