does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She bit a glass in half.
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I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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