good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
