the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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