i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
