My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
