some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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