I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
