I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
