i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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