The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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