We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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