Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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