Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
