Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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