if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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