The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
