The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
