Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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