Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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