im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
