When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
