Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
