i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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