She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
