totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
