So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
