The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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