dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
