I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
