sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
