I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
