I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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