Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
