im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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