You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Did I show you my penis last night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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