genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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