I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
