Ketchup is God's man juice
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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