When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
