i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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