Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
