Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
