Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
