i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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