If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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