New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
