I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He better not be in your backpack
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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