forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
